Don’t Carry It All

“Here we come to a turning of the season
Witness to the arc towards the sun
The neighbor’s blessed burden within reason
Becomes a burden borne of all in one
And nobody, nobody knows

Let the yoke fall from our shoulders
Don’t carry it all, don’t carry it all
We are all our hands in holders
Beneath this bold and brilliant sun
But this I swear to all”

Those are the first words of “Don’t Carry It All” — the first song on The Decemberists’ 2011 album “The King Is Dead.” I’ve had it stuck in my head the past few days, and I think I know why. We are, of course, coming to a turning of the season. The long, hot, humid days of summer are slowly but surely being replaced by much shorter, cooler, crisper ones.

But I think the real reason I can’t get the song out of my head is because so many of the individual words in the opening lyrics resonate with me: burden, shoulders, yoke, sun. Okay, so the use of each word in the song isn’t necessarily the same use that means something to me, but that’s beside the point. You’ll see what I mean. Let’s start with “burden.”

Burden

We’ve all got things we’re dealing with, but lately I feel like I can’t catch a break. Not that things are going “wrong” per se, just that there are a lot of things going on.

Merriam-Webster defines “Burden” a few ways:

-Something that’s carried

-Duty; Responsibility

-Something oppressive or worrisome

Between work, home and even my own health, there’s a lot on my mind these days — a lot on my heart, too. At times, it does feel burdensome. But I wouldn’t change a thing.

I moved from Seattle to Fort Worth, Texas, almost three months ago. That in and of itself has been an adjustment. I miss my family and friends, the mountains and the water… but I’m finding lots to do outdoors here, and I’m making new friends, too.

My partner Tim and I bought a house in a historic neighborhood that we love dearly, but as you can imagine, a house built in 1918 comes with its fair share of “quirks,” some of which have proven to be quite time consuming and expensive. We also blended our families — his two kids, my two cats — and while there was certainly a lot of anxiety leading up to it, the process couldn’t have gone more smoothly. I’m so grateful for that. 

I’ve now been with Simple Flying for six months — time flies! — and Tim is wrapping up a 10-year career with Spirit Airlines, which is bittersweet. Starting next month, we’ll be an American Airlines family. It’s all exciting, but it sure is a lot of change. And change is what often triggers my anxiety. A lot of my struggles over the years have revolved around having an “all or nothing” mindset — if everything isn’t perfect, everything is bad. It sounds extreme, I know, but what it really comes down to is, when I’m stressed about one thing, the stress tends to spill over into other areas of my life. So with everything going on, I’ve been carrying a lot of weight on my shoulders.

Shoulders

Those who’ve seen me out and about photographing airplanes have probably seen my “pack.” I’ve always carried a lot of gear with me…. in the past, it was two Nikon D3400s with three lenses (one of which was a big, heavy Sigma 150-600mm). Today, it’s a Sony Alpha 7 IV Mirrorless with two lenses (one of which is another big, heavy one… the Sigma 60-600mm). 

Over the last few years, I’ve done a lot of big “photo adventure” walks or bike rides in which I’ve traveled upwards of 20 miles on foot or 30 miles on two wheels, all while carrying that monstrosity of a backpack. I hate coming across a photo op and not being prepared, which is why I always liked bringing the gear with me. It’s paid off, too. I’ve captured some awesome wildlife — from eagles and coyotes, to whales and otters — and even the aftermath of a non-fatal shooting (the Seattle Police Department questioned me and used my photos to help ID suspects!).

Alas, carrying that much weight for such great distances took a toll. My left shoulder began bothering me a few months ago, so I finally went in for an MRI. The imaging revealed tendonitis throughout and a small tear in my labrum. We tried several weeks of medication and physical therapy, but it’s only gotten worse. With that, I’m scheduled for surgery next month. I’m disappointed that I’ll be a bit limited in my activity for a couple of months, but relieved that I can (hopefully) be rid of the pain soon. Unfortunately, one area of my life where the injury has been particularly noticeable is flying (I’m currently working toward my PPL). A couple of weeks ago, while doing steep turns, my shoulder really hurt when I pulled back on the yoke.

Yoke

I told you the use of each word wasn’t necessarily the same. With “yoke,” The Decemberists are referring to the wooden harness used to carry or pull something, whereas I’m of course talking about the control column on an airplane. Regardless, I couldn’t help but think how strange it was that this song used the words “shoulders” and “yoke” in the same line.

I’ve gone through a lot to get to where I am today in flight training. It took roughly a year for the FAA to grant me a third-class medical certificate. It required nearly a dozen hours of psychiatric and neuropsychological evaluations, impromptu drug tests, and a whole lot of documentation. I spent about $5,000 out of pocket just to find out whether or not I could fly. During that time, I also attended ground school and passed the written exam. 

Once I got settled here in Texas, I started flight training at Fort Worth Flight School. It’s been a great experience thus far. But now, due to my shoulder pain and impending surgery, I’ve decided to take a break till next year. The plan is to resume weekly training in February and ramp it up to twice a week in March. Till now, I’ve only flown on Saturdays. I haven’t been able to fly on weeknights because it gets dark shortly after I finish working. However, come March, the days will be getting longer and Daylight Saving Time will start, giving us yet another hour to fly “beneath this bold and brilliant sun.”

Sun

When Tim and I first started planning my move to Texas, there was one thing in particular I was quite excited about: the sunlight. Back in Seattle, the dreary weather this time of year was always tough for me. I figured that a few months of sweltering Texas heat each summer would be more bearable than the seemingly endless gloom of a Washington winter. So far, so good. 

As far as I’m concerned, the sun is nature’s medicine for the soul. If I see even a glint of sunlight peeking through the darkest of clouds, my mood’s almost instantly lifted. I miss a lot about Seattle, don’t get me wrong, but the abundance of sunshine here in the Lone Star State is just one of many reasons I know I’m exactly where I need to be. 

So, next time The Decemberists say, “Don’t Carry It All,” I’m going to heed their advice. Life is too short to let relatively small inconveniences become weighty burdens. It’s too short to worry about “what ifs” or stress about the unknown. Anxiety is a beast. It’s something I’ve dealt with most of my adult life. It’s something I’ll always deal with to some extent. But that’s OK… it’s part of who I am. 

In my last blog, I mentioned a quote by G.K. Chesterton that was cited several times in the book I had just finished reading: “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin.

“It is easy to be heavy, hard to be light.”

Let me tell you… I’ll never stop trying to be light.